The VelociPastor

[00:00:00] Speaker A: Foreign. [00:00:06] Speaker B: Welcome to the Pugsley Crew Reviews podcast where we talk about all manner of films, whether they're good, bad or in between. We'll give them a watch and give you our honest opinions. Today I am joined by gear 9000. How you doing, dude? [00:00:21] Speaker A: Oh, chap. I'm doing well, how are you? [00:00:23] Speaker B: Yeah, I'm good, I'm good. Just chilling out. Well, obviously we haven't done this for like a month or so. I haven't really done a lot of anything in the last month. Couple. About a month ago I broke my foot. [00:00:36] Speaker A: Oh dear. [00:00:37] Speaker B: Yeah, and. And then they were like, just keep your foot elevated for however long and so on and so forth. So I didn't bother like watching anything or playing many games. Like I watched TV with the missus mainly. I didn't bother doing any of this stuff. Couldn't be bothered. Sit by the PC and work on things where they, where they told the doctors like, keep your foot elevated. I was like, all right, fine. And I sit over on the set, even the puffy and my foot up. So yeah, there you go. Well, that's, that's my fun. Which isn't too bad considering like, how are you doing? How are you doing? [00:01:15] Speaker A: Yeah, I'm not doing too bad. [00:01:18] Speaker B: Yeah, lot going on though. Yeah, yeah, that understandable. I'm not going into details cuz it's no one's business. If people Want to know. K's been on a killing spree and murdered 16,000 people. Probably in like Fortnite. [00:01:45] Speaker A: Well, probably, yeah. All things considering. You in particular have done very well keeping this podcast going. Because I was reading all the stats on podcasts and it was something like only a minute percent of them get past the third episode, so. [00:02:05] Speaker B: Damn. Well, this is the 43rd, I think, and the game one is on 41, which it should be higher, but the game one is a lot more. A lot more difficult. So like it's easier to sit down, watch film, talk about it than it is to get two people to play. Because. Because the way I do the pod. Whereas a lot of game podcasts are, we'll talk about certain things, like various different topics. Mine is we specifically pick a game, we play a game, we talk about that game and a couple of other bits and I feel like it's pouring a lot on other people. Like I don't mind doing it, but other people. I feel like a bit of a douche when I'm like, hey, can you do this and stick to this game and play this for two weeks? And then we Discuss it. I feel kind of like, I don't [00:02:54] Speaker A: know, it's a big commitment, isn't it? [00:02:56] Speaker B: It is, yeah. [00:02:58] Speaker A: 40 hour game. It's. It's a big deal if it's like in this case, Was it about 70 minute film, something like that? [00:03:05] Speaker B: Yeah, 115 minutes, which is 75 minutes. But then there's the credits. [00:03:14] Speaker A: Oh [00:03:16] Speaker B: yeah, that's the thing. I feel like I'm putting a lot of pressure on people, but that's the best way I can go pressure on people to then take part. So like I don't do as much as I would like to because I would like to be do it like every two weeks consistently. But yeah, it's just getting people to take part and get in the games and you know, not feeling like a dick doing a. I should, I should care less and just be like, hey, fucking do this bitch. And then if they say no, I'll walk around and slap around her face. I spoke all the way across the country and you know, other countries and slap people who don't take part in my games podcast. Well, enough about that. Anyway, the film we are discussing today is called the Velocirapasta. Had you heard of this film? Neither had I. I only the right. Me and KU are both members on a video games forum that talk about games and stuff and it's called G Arcade. We've probably mentioned it before. There's a WhatsApp group for quite a few members of GRK. Anyone from GRK can join the WhatsApp group if they wanna join. They like. So basically someone I said, I watched Velocipasta the other day and I was like, oh, that's my next film on the podcast because it sounds awesome. But yeah, that's basically how this came about. Oh, there you go. Basically this film starts off with a priest or pastor even coming out of a church. Well, he does a little sermon, then he comes out of the church. Caesar's parents get blown up. Obviously they didn't have the budget for it or they thought it'd be funny to just pour in a text effect that just says vfx, car on fire. [00:05:47] Speaker A: That was weird because it's the only time they did that in the whole film. I thought, is the whole film going to be like this where it's going to come up and go special effect, head pulled off or. [00:05:57] Speaker B: I don't know, I, I thought maybe it would be like a running gag, but it seemed to just be the one off. They probably didn't have the budget to do it. So they probably thought, Joe, be funny, we'll stick this in there. Because it's not exactly a high budget film, is it? You can see that straight from the off. [00:06:11] Speaker A: Apparently it's between 35 to 45,000American dollars in budget. [00:06:18] Speaker B: Was. It's low budget but not really stuff [00:06:23] Speaker A: we've watched in it. [00:06:26] Speaker B: Yeah, it's true we've seen some films that have been filmed on like a form camcorder with no budgets. But yeah, I thought it was a bit strange that. With the VFX car on fire because like I didn't find it funny or anything. I just thought that meant to be there. I thought, I thought that it was like it was, was meant it was place there and they forgot to take it out or something. Yeah, I mean had the real effect. [00:06:58] Speaker A: Years and years ago I'd get dodgy pirate discs from someone and sometimes you'd get films that hadn't. What was it? It was something I watched. It had still got like the strings in before they'd been painted out when someone had like flipped or something. It might have been an early Star wars or something. And I thought, hang up a minute, is this like. And then I thought, well no, I'm on Amazon, so it's, you know, it's clearly the real deal. [00:07:24] Speaker B: Yeah, if. [00:07:26] Speaker A: If you'd have sent me this online and it hadn't come from Amazon or I'd have had a found it somewhere, I'd have thought, well, I've not got the full version, I've got a unfinished. [00:07:35] Speaker B: Exactly. [00:07:36] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:07:39] Speaker B: Doesn't make sense. But it cuts from that to Doug, which is the name of the pastor that is the main character and another pastor whose name I. I forgot to write down for them having a conversation. He's saying, you know, go away and if God still finds you, come back kind of thing. Because he's like, I. I don't know if I can blame a car. Dude just blows up my parents in a car [00:08:12] Speaker A: and he's passing him the wine today. Oh, just have a drink. Just a drink. [00:08:16] Speaker B: Yeah, it's brilliant. But so he goes, goes off to China, to China. And a woman is like, he's just walking around fine enough. And then all of a sudden this woman is running as if being chased by someone. And then you see the someone shoot them with a bow and arrow. I'm pretty sure they're a ninja, which you do see out the film throughout the film scene. Ninjas and things. Which I'm pretty sure ninja. A Japanese, not Chinese. Yeah, it doesn't make sense. I'm not sure. I genuinely think this was purposeful. I don't think it was like, oh, there's no difference or anything like that. Because later on in the film, spoilers. It comes to. The Chinese person is speaking to the old. The old pastor, and they're talking about they're training ninjas and dealing special cocaine. They can get everyone hooked on this cocaine, then remove the cocaine from the streets, or everyone becomes Christian. So I think they've just taken bits and bobs of different things and just put it on this Chinese conspiracy. Because at the end of the film, they say, like, oh, yeah, the. The church is still after you, or the church will do this again. So these Chinese people who are also ninja are also Christians and part of the church. [00:09:56] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:09:57] Speaker B: It's crazy, really is. It makes no sense, but it's crazy. [00:10:04] Speaker A: This beginning bit, though, where the woman falls down in front of the hero is one of my favorite bits because she's absolutely covered in blood. The arrow's sticking out of her. And what did he go? Are you her? [00:10:16] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:10:17] Speaker A: No, there's an arrow coming out of it. [00:10:21] Speaker B: Yeah. And then she speaks to him in Chinese and he's like, I don't understand what you're saying. And then she just says, dragon warrior, and then gives him the stone. The. What Looks like a tooth, Ostrich tooth or something. And then he somehow manages to cut himself on it. And then he, like, shows him waking up then back in the church he was in as a pastor. And you think, oh, okay, that. That's weird. How the hell did he get there? I thought he'd have woke up somewhere in Jaina. Just goes, oh, you've been having that dream again. It's been like a few months now or something silly like that. They say. So you're like, okay, so what happened there? What happened in that time span? Like, I don't know. But it then goes to show Carol, I think her name is. [00:11:18] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:11:19] Speaker B: Which is a prostitute that is like [00:11:24] Speaker A: a [00:11:27] Speaker B: supporting character who is seen through quite a bit throughout the film. And she's like, gives some guy some money because he's homeless. And he's like, oh, you're. You're from God. You've been sent from God and stuff. And then. Then you find out she's hooker after that, to be fair. And she walks up to some. Some guy called Frankie Mermaid. And. And she walks up to him and, like, says something, and he turns around and just slaps her across the face. He's like, don't you Question me? Yeah, probably slap across the face. Then he's like, don't you answer me back. And I was like, she hadn't said it. Just asking what's happening or something like that. And then he's like, you know why they call me Frankie Mermaid? And she's like, gotta put a LOL in her mouth. I can't understand you. And then she's like, because you're swimming in bitches. I thought that was brilliant. Because I'm swimming in bitches. [00:12:36] Speaker A: He was kind of a shit actor, but he was kind of obviously loving doing it. And that just made it amazing. [00:12:43] Speaker B: It did, yeah. And they have a brief conversation about where she's gonna be doing her. I don't know the term turning tricks they use. Yeah. And she says, in the park. And then he. She walks off. And then it. She turned. He turns to someone off screen. I think the name was Jerry. And he goes, yo, Jerry, if you stuff dicks in your mouth like you did that sandwich, I'd be a millionaire by now. And I was like, wow, that's. That was. I genuinely started pissing Myself and Mrs. Looked at me stupid as I say this is that. I'm like, nah, this is. But it's funny [00:13:28] Speaker A: the. And boring. And then there's. That really hits the mark, which is. Just goes the other side of it. And it's comedic genius. [00:13:39] Speaker B: If you stuck those. If you stuff dicks in your mouth like you did that sandwich, I'd be a millionaire by now. That's brilliant. Because he's a pimp. [00:13:49] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:13:54] Speaker B: It then cuts to evening, I think. I think it shows the guy, the Doug the Pastor, he like, has a. An issue about being hungry earlier on. And he runs off. He runs past that Carol and the homeless guy. And then you don't see him for a little bit. And then it shows him in the park area. And like some guy grabs Carol because that's where she's turning tricks. And he grabs her from behind and he's like threatening to kill her or give it if she don't give her. Don't give him her money. And then all of a sudden, the pastor shows up as a velociraptor kicks his ass. And this being the first death of the film, you see, like, stuff happening a bit kind of out of focus. Then you see what is blatantly a mannequin head rolling across the floor. They don't even pretend like to do anything to it. They just put fake head roll across the floor. [00:15:05] Speaker A: They did quite a good job with the I mean, because when you see the costume later, it's. [00:15:12] Speaker B: Costume is awful. [00:15:13] Speaker A: Yeah. But when you see it early on in this bit and you're just seeing a flash of a mouth and a flash of a claw and it's dead dark and it wasn't half bad. It like stuck to my movie. [00:15:25] Speaker B: It was definitely better, I think. I think that's the good thing about showing little bits in flashes into the dark. It's like, keeps it a bit more mysterious. But it's. It's not a great costume by any means. It's. It's better in the. The. That earlier scene than when you see it properly. Oh, yes. [00:15:45] Speaker A: I think I'd have tried to never show it. And I think I'd have tried to have splattered it in fake corn syrup blood to hide. It's the eyes on it. The eyes on it are awful. [00:15:55] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:15:56] Speaker A: And the humpback. The eyes are back. [00:15:58] Speaker B: Oh, well, it's got a humpback. Probably because the person's standing in it. Probably like the person's just standing straight. So they've had to give them a humpback instead of making them stand weirdly. [00:16:09] Speaker A: You know, when they start and the pastor, you get the scenes where the past is changing into the monster. Yeah, it's very Incredible Hulk, like, right. Reminds me of the old Hulk TV series. [00:16:20] Speaker B: Oh, with Lou Fro. [00:16:21] Speaker A: Yeah. He's like getting angry and then his eyes look a bit funny and he's like. I do think they were trying to like show the transformation start as the person changing before then pulling out the rubber suit. And it's not bad for what it is until you show the full suit. [00:16:42] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah, definitely. It then goes to pastor. Going back to the church after the pastor wakes up. I don't know. I keep calling him the pastor. Doug wakes up in bed. You're like, okay, how is he in bed all of a sudden? And he wakes up in the. What's her name again? [00:17:03] Speaker A: Harold. [00:17:04] Speaker B: Harold's bed. And he's. And he's talked to her like, oh, my God. Because he's naked and he was like, oh, my God. You know, saying about various things. And she's on about what he did by returning to a velociraptor and killed the bodyguard. And he's talking to her as if they've had sex and he doesn't remember properly. [00:17:23] Speaker A: Oh, it's a brilliant crossed wires conversation. [00:17:26] Speaker B: Yeah, it is. And at the end he's like, oh, you know, she says something and he's like, oh, was, was, was it that bad? And she's like, yeah, it was, it was really bad. And then he's like, was it your first time too? And she's like, wait, what are you talking about? He's like. And then he goes, what are you talking about? And she's like, no, when you were. When you. And he's like, when you're a velociraptor and killed that man. And he's like, dinosaurs didn't exist, [00:17:57] Speaker A: so [00:17:58] Speaker B: I couldn't be a dinosaur because they don't exist. And I was like, oh, fair enough. I think they believe that some Christians, I don't know about all. [00:18:06] Speaker A: Yeah, they believe that dinosaur bones, some believe dinosaur bones were put there essentially by Satan to make people believe in fake stuff and not follow the teachings of the Bible or something on those lines. [00:18:22] Speaker B: Yeah. Obviously he leaves with her to see the dead body because he, he doesn't believe it. Then he's dressed in really skimpy ladies clothes because she obviously haven't got any men's clothes for him. [00:18:40] Speaker A: The bright orange one piece mini dress. [00:18:43] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:18:44] Speaker A: Combo, is it? [00:18:45] Speaker B: It is, yeah. So they look at the body, he freaks out and leaves to go back to the church. And who's in? He goes in for to do confession because that was what he was doing, he was late for it. So he sits in there and then guess who's on the other side to confess? It's Frankie Mermaid. And he don't give two. He's sitting there smoking, even though he's been told to smoke. He can't smoke in there. And he's like, I can't remember exactly what he says. He said no. He's like, why? [00:19:17] Speaker A: It's an amazing confession. He took candy from a baby and then he threw the baby in the river so it couldn't do no snitching or something like that. [00:19:26] Speaker B: Yeah, I think Frankie was actually a funny character. Like, yeah, genuinely. And he's sitting there, he's like, oh, Frankie. You know why Frankie can smoke? Because he's hot or something like that. And I was like, that's not a bad one, but that one was good. And then he starts to go, oh, you know, I've killed people. [00:19:43] Speaker A: I've. [00:19:44] Speaker B: I raped people. I don't know if he says, I've done fraud, I've done this, I've done that. And he's like, oh, you've killed people. And he's like, when was the last time you killed somebody? Well, it was about four months ago. I blew up this old couple and then this Priest came out of the church crying, mom, dad. As if they were his fucking parents. Why would he. Like, as if they were. He's fucking stupid. Like if he show him mother, father, then obviously it's his mother and father, not just some random people that he's calling his mother and father, you know, and then obviously he loses it. And then his hand turns into raptor hand and he slashes Frankie's face. Which to be honest, the visual effects there looked a bit wonky. They look very stuck on to me. [00:20:43] Speaker A: I love the death scream though. Yeah, Frankie nailed a wonderful death scream. [00:20:48] Speaker B: Yeah, it was so over the top. [00:20:51] Speaker A: Oh yeah. [00:20:55] Speaker B: And obviously he goes back to Carol the Doug does the pasta and. And they have a conversation and he's like, oh, we could do this, we can do good. Because that's what she's saying earlier I was like, we can do good, we can take out the bad people, we can deal with this and that. And then at the end of the conversation they're talking about God and whatever and she goes, I don't know much about God. And then he turns around and goes, I don't know much about dinosaurs. I was like, what the. There's some brilliant like one liners and like, like, like what? We watched our Irish karate film Fatal Deviation and that had some one liners in it. Towards the end they were fucking awful. This. I genuinely piss myself laughing because I was like, I don't know much about dinosaurs. Well, fuck. And then they stand and they staring each other like, oh, they're gonna start kissing and they just give each other high five. When it gets to the next scene and this is where it shows a lot of the. It cuts then to the next scene which is like the Chinese people training and they clearly ninja. And I was like, my naughts were are these Chinese people but also ninja. I was very confused until like I said later on where I just seemed to slap different things together and just said, yeah, these Chinese people are ninja. As well as Chinese, as well as Christian as well as special cork dealers. And it's just like. [00:22:36] Speaker A: Yeah. I also think only two of the actors are actually. And I don't even have the Chinese, but Asian looking. Yeah, the, the bold headed guy. And then there's one ninja. I'm sure the rest of the ninjas are just white guys in ninja outfits. [00:22:51] Speaker B: Yeah, I think pretty much. I think there is a couple there because there's a scene later on where there's this Asian guy who's in a ninja outfit and he's. They Attack Doug. Three of them. And before they attack this, one of them is giving instructions. And then it shows the Asian guy looking off into the distance having, like, a flashback of. Oh, oh, this is where I didn't catch the name. Told me I was going to die. Sticking back to that. [00:23:23] Speaker A: That was weird. [00:23:24] Speaker B: Yeah, [00:23:30] Speaker A: But it is like they just kept throwing ideas on. It's like, let's have a dinosaur. Now we'll have some ninjas. Now we'll have telekinesis. Now we'll have. [00:23:39] Speaker B: Exactly. [00:23:40] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:23:42] Speaker B: Yeah, that was weird as well, actually. We'll get a lot in a vet. But there's a point where it cuts back from all that stuff. And he goes back to the past and he's like, the old past. He's like, you need to, you know, sort yourself out. You're not coming to church as much. And blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And he then tells Dagger, then tells him exactly what's going on, and he's like, nah, you're crazy. This can't be happening. And if it's something I do, he needs an exorcism because clearly it's the devil. And then he locks him in there. And then it cuts to another scene, and I'm 99% sure I saw the top of a boom mic pop into the scene. [00:24:21] Speaker A: Oh, dear. [00:24:22] Speaker B: I meant to check it back to see if I did see it, but I couldn't be asked. And it's. It's brilliant. And then obviously the next scene is Carol waiting outside for the. For Doug. Doug doesn't show up. Obviously he's been locked inside by the other priest. And then it cuts to the next scene where Doug and the priest pastor go to another guy for exorcism. And then while they talk in, Doug and the other guy has a flashback to. I think his name was Sam. Is. Is his. His past. And he's like on about the war and he's like, war is war. No, war is war and war is hell, and hell never changes. I was thinking. No, it's war never changes, mate. Yeah, but war is hell and hell never changes. And I think. I think that's a nod to fall out. I know, definitely. But it showed the pastor. I think his name was Sam. It shows him. And this is meant to be, like, several, like, 20, 30, 40 years ago, whatever. I'm not sure exactly how many, but like a long time ago in, like, Vietnam or something, because I don't think it's meant to be Afghanistan or anything or Iran or anything like that. [00:25:51] Speaker A: No, I'M pretty sure it's now. [00:25:53] Speaker B: So it's like fucking 50 years or 40. I. Yes, I'm there. 80s. Run it. Vietnam. 70s. 80s. [00:26:03] Speaker A: 80s. 70s, 80s. We look sad now that we don't know when a major war happened. But I suppose England weren't really involved, was it? [00:26:11] Speaker B: No, but it's the same actor. They didn't use a younger person. They use the same older actor. He has a really awful wig. Yeah, it just looks. The wig is done on him so badly that you can see his real hair quite a lot of the time. That's one problem. Then they seem to just color in his mustache and he still looks just as old. They didn't even try to make him look younger. And I was like, bam, that's not lazy. But the staff, they should have used a different person, I reckon, or. Because obviously they'd have the budget to, like, CGI him younger. And then he's in the middle of the court. [00:26:58] Speaker A: It might have been easier to make him look older for the rest of the film, if you know what I mean. [00:27:04] Speaker B: Yeah. Chuck another wig on him. [00:27:07] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:27:08] Speaker B: That you can see his real apia underneath. And he's having this conversation. He's having a conversation with this guy called Ollie. And Ollie's like, yeah, blah, blah, blah, blah, so on and so forth, because they talked about how people have died and that. He's like, when you. When you have a kid, when you have five kids, when you have 700 kids, whatever. He says something 174, I think it might be. And he's like, name one of them all after me. And then you could tell him about how you were named after a great guy and all that sort of stuff. And then he says something along of. Of. And you tell him how he was never hit once in the war. And then all of a sudden his head just explodes. Blood speeds all over his. Over the pastor's face. And you're like, ah, poor guy. I did laugh. And then he's like, thinking about attack because he's telling him about his girlfriend or wife back at home called Adeline. That's what this was all about. And then all of a sudden he's in Nam and he's in a different part of naam and they're at the Barak, I think. And then I'm like, just chilling out. And then all of a sudden he. He sees Adeline. I don't know how she's there or why she's there, but she starts running over to him and they're like, oh, My God. Oh, happy. And then Adaline literally gets a foot or two away from him and just fucking explodes. [00:28:32] Speaker A: Oh, she just explodes into mist all over his face and everything. It's. [00:28:36] Speaker B: Yeah, it is. I, I again, I pissed myself laughing at that. I didn't expect her to explode. Like, I thought, oh, she's gonna get shot or something. But the over the top way she fucking exploded was brilliant, genuinely brilliant. And what was funnier was the two other soldiers were there. The second one said, because one of them said something, but I can't remember what that was. But the second one said something along the lines of, I don't think we can help. She's too far gone. She's too far gone. Genuine comedy in this. Obviously. This, this, this is all hap. This is like a flashback after all. The flashback happens. It goes boom. Back to the present. Doesn't boom. I don't know. I said boom. Goes back to the boom. Doesn't boom. Adeline boomed. But he goes back to the present and it shows them doing the exorcism. Things are happening. The old pastor is like, oh, we need to stop this because something's wrong. And then Doug's hand turns into a raptor. Hands turn into raptor hand. And you can clearly see they really bad gloves in this scene. Like in the scene in the confession booth or whatever it's called that. I don't remember the gloves looking so bad, but in this you could see like they were like loose on his arms and stuff. So it was like quite badly done. They could have like, I don't know, maybe tape the gloves down and to make up on it. Or maybe they wanted it to look like that because they thought it was fun or funny. I, I don't know. But yeah, that scene was a bit daft with the gloves, but Doug rips out the old guy's eye. I thought it was both, but it was only the one. [00:30:37] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:30:38] Speaker B: And he leaves because he's like, some reason really fucking crazy right now. And then I think that's where he ends up in Carol's room because he's all freaked out. And Carol's there when she walks in, she turns around, for some reason, he's covered in newspaper while he's on the floor. I'm like, why is Doug hiding in newspaper? That makes no sense. Like, where did that come from? Could have hid under the bed. He could have just sat there in the room, but for some reason he's covered himself in loads of paper. [00:31:24] Speaker A: That's weird. I don't know. With this film and a lot of films like it, how much is played for being funny crap and how much is just they're trying to make a good film, they don't have the resources, so it ends up funny crap. Because I feel, I don't know, Sharknado is the start of this to me. I think, like most things before Sharknado was people genuinely trying. And then Sharknado kind of went, we can be shit, and that be the. The draw. [00:32:03] Speaker B: Well, to me, this isn't like Samurai Cop. It was. We watched before. [00:32:09] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:32:09] Speaker B: That seemed to be a film that was played straight and was funny because of it. This seems like it was intentionally trying to be like a piss take of things, including itself. More so than them trying to be serious. And it being legendary like Samurai Cop. It seems like a mix. Like they've tried to put some seriousness in there, but they've also taken the piss. And I think from my outside perspective, I think that is what they've gone for. Like, this is played for laughs a lot of time. Whereas obviously Ninja Cop is more Samurai Cop. This is Samurai Cop and Ninja Cop, because I'm sure Ninja Cop's a film as well. Samurai Cop is more. This is gonna be a amazing masterpiece of storytelling. And it was just cheese throughout. Obviously, they'd attacked by the ninja. This is what I was about with the flash back up, like the small flashband to his wife or girlfriend saying, this is where you're gonna die kind of thing. And he then shows the Chinese old guy and his second in command, which is some white blonde headed guy's brother. It is Doug's brother. Yeah, you find that out later. And I fucking love the scene where he's like, remembering his brother. Oh, yeah, we did have a brother. Because there's one scene where the father's hugging him. He's like, oh, you're my only child or my only son. And then the other son, like, pops his head up from the boot of the car, like, it's like, what the fuck? It also made me think when they blew up the car, why, if he should have been in there as well, unless he got out and off. But he's like, you're my only son. And he's sitting in the back of the car, the other one, so I can understand why he's pissed off. There you go. But yeah, they end up going to China. The old pastor is somehow still alive. He gets killed by the Chinese guy who explains the story about the drugs and getting people hooked and then making them turn to Christianity. By like getting rid of the drugs off the streets and that kind of thing. And then somehow within minutes, Doug and Carol turn up. They get into a fight with Lords of Ninja. This is where you find out that Doug has a brother. And he's like, pulls out this cool fucking sword and he's like, I don't need to use my ancestors sword to kill you. Chuck's on the floor, they fight for a bit, then he like looks at the sword and then Doug just goes, puts his hand out and the sword flings into his hand. And I was like, since when was Doug able to use the Force? [00:35:16] Speaker A: Made me think, have you ever seen Hawk the Slayer? [00:35:20] Speaker B: I'm not sure. [00:35:21] Speaker A: Oh, we need to watch that for this sometime. It's an old fantasy film and it's most known I think nowadays for Gemma, the Simon Peg show, Spaced. Yeah, there's a conversation in that about how he punched someone for saying Hawk the Slayer was shit. [00:35:40] Speaker B: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. [00:35:41] Speaker A: But Hawk the Slayer's got a sword called the Mind Sword and it's a sword and there's a green stone in the bottom and the green stone makes it come to the welder's hand when they will it towards them. [00:35:53] Speaker B: All right. [00:35:54] Speaker A: And that just made me think of this and any reason to mention Hawk the Slayer is a good thing. [00:36:00] Speaker B: Yeah, But Doug says to him, then when the sword goes in his hand, which I thought was a bit funny, not hilarious, but a bit funny, he's like, the blood of your ancestors is the blood of my ancestors. I like how for fucking like the entire film it shows flashbacks of him and his brother, but it never shows his brother, which again is the point. But it's like, it's as if he doesn't even remember having a brother. And then he's like, oh wait, yeah, I did have a brother. But yeah, it's cruel. [00:36:40] Speaker A: Also weird how Carol the prostitute is like this amazing kung fu fighter. [00:36:45] Speaker B: Yeah, I, I actually got my notes. Is like how the are Dagan Carol suddenly so capable of martial arts? Like where the fuck did that come from? Like there's no explanation to it. They just all of a sudden, yeah, we kicking ass. And this is what I was got in my notes because this is what I was saying about the, the drug stuff which happened before this. These things we just discussed, like, so these are Chinese ninja who are going to deal super cocaine to get everyone hooked, then take away the cocaine, force people to go to church. Crazy. [00:37:24] Speaker A: Yeah, [00:37:28] Speaker B: like that. [00:37:28] Speaker A: It's even weirder than it is in the film when you Stop and break it there. [00:37:32] Speaker B: Yeah. Right. So he kills his brother, right? That kills his brother. His brother might have been Sam, not the other guy, to be honest, I can't remember. And the Carol's fighting off a lord of ninja herself, kicking their asses. And then another one comes out with us, samurai sword, looks like a katana. And she's like just standing there and he slashes her down the chest. And I'm like, she didn't try and move. She didn't try. She just stood there and took it. And then she's spewing up blood and coughing to death. And they are having this conversation, Doug and her, he's got her in his arms and they talking. And then it cuts to the ninja who are there and they're all crying. I'm like, you just killed her, why are you crying? And then he loses his temper. And what was funny about this scene is he loses temper and then it turns into this velociraptor. Then you see the suit properly. This is the. This is funny. My 18 year old kid came down just before this start happened. He was drinking a cup of tea. He was sitting by there drinking a cup of tea, right. Saw what happened. Saw this guy turn into a raptor. Fucking almost chalked on his tea while fucking seeing this after because it was so fucking stupid. He just left the room. I think there was like tea or coffee, I can't remember much. It was over the table as well. I keep saying tea but we all had coffee. I don't like tea. I'm not very British, am I? Yeah, same here. And then the mannequin head returns in this. In the next scene, the Chinese bald guy, he comes out of the tent himself after the Doug turns into a raptor and kills all the other ninja. He comes out of the tent and they. And they go to fight and he shoots him with an arrow. Sorry. In the leg. And he's like. This is an anti venom that stops you from becoming a dragon warrior. So I don't understand why he's considered a raptor if he's a dragon warrior. He should be a dragon guy. I don't know. And so he's like stuck on the floor in agony. The Chinese guy's wiggling the arrow, laughing in his face. And some of the laughs in this entire film are so over the top. Especially Doug's brother. Oh yeah. She's so stupid. Great. [00:40:31] Speaker A: There's a bit where he's left. It's like. And it carries out an alarm. [00:40:37] Speaker B: Yeah, there's one Point where he stops laughing. And then they start again within like a few seconds. But the Chinese guy is then like saying yeah, this antivenom will nullify your powers. You won't be able to do anything. And then all of a sudden he goes, yeah, but I think my hands are immune. And then like just rips the guy, grabs the guy by the head. Got the Chinese guy with the head. And then you can see it goes through different. It goes to a different shot and you can see he's a mannequin head. You're like oh, the mannequin head has returned. And then he just grabs him and rips his head off. And it looks like there's all like bits dangling from the head. And you're like oh, that bit looks alright. The mannequin head looks stupid. Then he turns the head around and it's a normal mannequin head, big blue eyes. But he's got these giant bushy eyebrows. It looks nothing like the gone, just a massive. It looks like a. I know a white blue eyed woman mannequin. And for some reason it's got massive eyebrows. And I was like, I don't remember the Chinese guy having massive eyebrows. Anyway. It's so daft. It is so d. I genuinely while this film was. I had a real laugh out of it. It's one of these films like this is crap but it's also so funny. [00:42:03] Speaker A: This film deserves an award from us and I think it's the Puxty crew reviews best film. Definitely all the films we've watched that are knowingly. Yeah, this is the one that I found the most enjoyable. More than Fatal Deviation, More than any of them. This is the best film we've seen. [00:42:27] Speaker B: Best shit film we've seen so far. The film doesn't quite end there. The film ends with him getting Carol even though she's dead. Getting her to a hospital in America. Doctors somehow saving her. I assuming it's meant to be America anyway. It might just be like a back alley. Doctors in China. Doctor's saving her and he's like, how are you? And she's like I'm all right. And then he says it to again quietly, how are you? And she goes, I'm all right. And then I'm sure. He says something like, you sure? And then it just. The screen stops with a text on the screen. She's all right. He daft. But obviously it says this at the end of the film is them talking, saying like the church is not going to stop it. He's got a billion Dollar bounty on him, and so on and so forth. And I was like, ah, right. Okay. And there is a Velocip pasta too. [00:43:45] Speaker A: There is. [00:43:46] Speaker B: There is a sequel. [00:43:48] Speaker A: Oh wow. [00:43:49] Speaker B: There is. Yeah. I can double check. I'm sure it's. Sure it's set in Milan. It's just called Velocir Pasta 2. Not. No, Velocity Pastor 2. [00:44:12] Speaker A: Oh wow. I thought it was going to be one of the things where it ended with a, you know, there'll be another one and there wasn't. [00:44:21] Speaker B: But no, no, there is, there is a sequel. I have no idea if it's. The like same kind of silliness or, or anything because I just don't know. I'm not sure if it's. Is it even out? Gotta be out. They come out like maybe it's in the middle of being made or something. I. I don't know. There's a trailer for it, but I'm [00:44:56] Speaker A: gonna say there's an IMDb page for it. [00:44:59] Speaker B: Yeah, there is, but I can't see no release date, no run time, no nothing. So no. [00:45:04] Speaker A: So maybe May 2024. More than 120,000 thousand American dollars have been raised to make it. So I'm assuming it's oh, it's like [00:45:16] Speaker B: a big start kind of thing. Yeah. Oh, that's a shame. Hopefully that comes up soon. I'm gonna watch it. [00:45:26] Speaker A: That's forever for you. Quit. [00:45:29] Speaker B: If that comes out in cinema. I'm gonna go to the cinema and watch it. Take the Mrs. So she could be annoyed at me even more. You're wasting good money going to see this in the cinema. That's what she'll say. And I'm like, no, don't hit me. It's been in the cinema. I'm trying to eat my popcorn. But in all seriousness, she would probably pissed off. I was like, come on, we're gonna go watch a film. And then it was the velocipasta too because like my missus is like, she, she hasn't got the same sense of humor of me where I can watch a film. I just have a good laugh. If she thinks the film is, this film is and that's about it. Like, whereas I, I can watch a film and if it's. But it, it's funny, then that's good enough for me, you know? [00:46:19] Speaker A: Oh yeah, I'm. I'm very much. Once I've started watching something, it's got to be horrendous for me to stop. I've watched nearly everything through to the end. [00:46:28] Speaker B: Yeah, but yeah, we're going to be ending in a second. Is there anything you would like to add about this film? [00:46:40] Speaker A: Just that if you've got Amazon or another way you can watch this, I recommend is the best shit film in a long, long time. [00:46:49] Speaker B: Yeah, it is great. I do think Samurai Cop is another great one though. And that's because I think this plays up the comedy aspect. So it's funny in that regard. Whereas the other one is different in that I think that's meant to be serious, but it's just fucking awful in a good way. So, yeah, I would agree with Kurt. You should definitely check this out. I would rate this. See the thing is, I would rate this film quite low for like a lot of it. Like, like 4 out of 10. But for it in some ways. But because of the like silliness of it and like how fucking daft it is, I would give it like a 7 or 8. Probably 8 out of 10 for this film. Which is which? If you watch this film and you say, you be like Pence, how the can you give this film out of 10? And it's because it made me laugh a ton. Even if it doesn't make sense sometimes. [00:47:47] Speaker A: Cinematic masterpiece. This film would get 3 out of 10 as something to throw on with your friends and have a few beers and just piss yourself. I'd give it an 8 out of 10. It all depends on if you know what you're getting into with it. If you're looking for a Citizen Kane, this isn't it. If you're looking for some death, switch your brain off. Fun. You can't do much better than this. [00:48:11] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah, this is. This is definitely one. This is. I say this about every film we've watched, more or less. Like just watch it. It's worth watching. Even if you don't like it, it's worth giving a film a go. But this film is like one of the films I've watched that's like. Yeah, you should definitely watch it because it's. It's so bad. It's good. It's. It's that kind of film. Whereas like Home Alone is a good film, you should watch that. Cuz it's a good film. Samurai Cop. So bad. It's good. Shark cooking. Shark. So bad. It's bad. Don't watch it. Don't watch it. [00:48:44] Speaker A: This exactly. Yeah, [00:48:49] Speaker B: But yeah, definitely check this out, guys. But that is going to be us for now. We'll be back hopefully in a fortnight, maybe a month and see what else I break. Anyway, take care yourself, everyone, for watching. Thank you and bye. Bye. [00:49:05] Speaker A: Bye. [00:49:07] Speaker B: Bye. And thank you for taking part again. [00:49:10] Speaker A: Right, See you soon. Take care. [00:49:12] Speaker B: Bye, all. [00:49:13] Speaker A: Bye. [00:49:21] Speaker B: Yo, Jerry, if you stuff dicks in your mouth like you're doing that sandwich, I'd be a fucking millionaire by now.