Episode Transcript
[00:00:06] Speaker A: Hello and welcome to the latest episode of Pugsy Crew Reviews podcast, where we talk about films, all manner of films, whether they're good, bad or just right. We'll watch them because we stupid anything.
Today we have with us crew 9000, as usual. How you doing, dude?
[00:00:26] Speaker B: Hi, I'm good. How you doing?
[00:00:28] Speaker A: Yeah, I'm doing well. I'm doing well. You been up too much?
[00:00:31] Speaker B: Nah, not a lot really. Just the usual.
[00:00:34] Speaker A: That's fair. I've been watching the game. Not the game awards, but like summer game fest, Xbox thing. I missed plate Sony's and I caught Nintendo's. And there's some good games shown, but, you know. So it is.
[00:00:48] Speaker B: Yeah, I've seen the Nintendo one and I've flicked through the Microsoft one, but I've not seen the Sony.
[00:00:54] Speaker A: Yeah, I need to check her out.
[00:00:55] Speaker B: But I think the Nintendo one massively surprised me because, you know, we're talking about the end of a console's life.
[00:01:03] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:01:05] Speaker B: Here. And you wouldn't think it.
[00:01:07] Speaker A: No, you wouldn't. You wouldn't. You know, some pretty cool stuff shown.
Still no news on the switch too, though, which is a bit of purpose though. Yeah, I think it'll be. I reckon it'll be like maybe September time or something. They'll mention air and then next year will come out. Maybe they plan on doing the same with us as they did with the switch. Who knows?
[00:01:30] Speaker B: I think they just want to extend this long enough to make the switch one of the best selling consoles ever, which is, you know, it pretty much is. But obviously they're chasing some set figure.
[00:01:40] Speaker A: Yeah.
So the film we watched for this episode was a film came out in 2023, even though my, uh, my information says 22,000. No, 20230. So was that 20, 2300? I don't fucking know.
Whatever it is, it's wrong. Definitely didn't come out then.
It wasn't. Yeah.
2023. Oop. Anyway, I think it's critically acclaimed.
It's a claim for me one of probably the worst films ever, I assume. I haven't actually. I've not actually heard much about this film other than it exists.
[00:02:33] Speaker B: Nah, it wasn't even what I thought it would be.
[00:02:37] Speaker A: No.
[00:02:38] Speaker B: If you see the front cover and the title, you're gonna think that basically it's a low rent jaws with a shark who's nuts on cocaine.
[00:02:48] Speaker A: Yeah. Because the film is cocaine shark, by the way.
[00:02:50] Speaker B: Yeah.
And the front cover is like boats and helicopters and sharks shooting out the water. And you're not gonna see none of that.
[00:02:58] Speaker A: No, nothing at all like that, which is daft. It starts off with a guy, really, really bad acting, being like, hey, I'm gonna buy some drugs. I'm gonna sell you drugs. Hey. And then he gets taken away by another guy. He's like, yeah, we stole that guy's drugs. Now you can tell to the next, like, hey, I don't know. Okay, fine. They're over there by the beef burgers. It's not what he says, but, you know.
And then he gets killed by being thrown into a pool with a weird crab shark, crossbreed Thor.
And that repeatedly shows up throughout the film. That is not a cocaine shark. That is just a mutated shark. Because it says in the film, in the beginning of the film, there's a, like, exposition with a, like, a professor, a scientist guy. And he's like, yeah, the. The place blew up and three creatures escaped. One was, like, a weird bat spider, which you never see apart from when they chose her initially. And he's talking about her. One was a half shark, half human hybrid and one was a half crab, half shark hybrid kind of thing. And that repeatedly shows up. And you do see the half man, half shark thing. But it's clearly not the same half man, half shark that escaped from the lab. Because.
Can be. No, because it appears that the guy, the main guy, the main character, the cop, whose name I don't even remember. I don't even know if it gets mentioned. Nick. Mike.
Nate. I don't know.
He.
[00:04:49] Speaker B: I'm trying to think, and I'm drawing blanks.
[00:04:51] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:04:52] Speaker B: Neil.
[00:04:53] Speaker A: Neil. I was close, I think.
But he appears to be taking these drugs. Knees.
There's a scene where he first takes the drugs, right? And he's like. There's all this weird noise going as he's, like, on the bed with this weird effect going on. And he's, like, got his hands kind of clawed up as if he's a t. Rex and he's just biting at the second time he does. He's like, I feel weird doing this. I feel like I'm a shark and I'm aggressive. And I imagined eating someone's head. And I feel really bloated, like I've eaten, you know, my mother's Thanksgiving dinner. And it's like, okay, so he's clearly becoming the shark, which does appear to be the case. But one thing I don't get is that doesn't make sense with the first kill by the half man, half human thing because he hadn't taken the drugs by then. Unless it was the half man, half human, half shark, half man.
Will it escape the lab who seemed to kill the informant guy? Which would be weird.
Uh. I just don't get. I don't care. I don't care.
[00:06:12] Speaker B: No, I don't think there's, uh, not too much thought gone into the plot. As long as it keeps plodding forward, it will do sort of thing.
[00:06:19] Speaker A: Yeah, it does appear that way. It's.
I assumed it was cocaine sharp because, as you said, you'd think you'd be, like, this crazy shark on cocaine killing stuff, but it appears to be that it's a drug that's making the guy become a shark man, which isn't actually cocaine. It's like a weird pill.
So I don't understand that. And also, you don't see the bat. So I thought maybe it's a trilogy of films, but I don't. I don't think there is. But you never know, obviously, the. The spider bat or whatever it was, you don't really see the crab shark. You see lords of some reason at some point. Obviously. It's, like, blue screened onto backgrounds and, like, sometimes it's literally like, as if it's running on the top of the water, half in, half out, and it looks really stupid.
[00:07:22] Speaker B: The effects in this film are tremendously awful, and they're awful in so many ways. The shark head on the person is like. It's made out of paper mache.
[00:07:33] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:07:34] Speaker B: And I'd say it's arguably worse than the heads you get in, like, the old 1940s, the fly and sort of things like that, which, you know, clearly you should be able to do better than that now.
[00:07:47] Speaker A: You should. I think the teeth were like little pieces of cardboard.
[00:07:51] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:07:52] Speaker A: They looked like little pieces of cardboard just stuck onto this chunky face.
It's terrible.
The funny thing is, the first, say, half hour, 40 minutes, it was awful. But I was getting a really good laugh out of how awful it was. And then it came to a certain point where I was like, yeah, I'm fed up with this now. It's just. It's just crap. I'm bored. It's not funny anymore.
Like, one of the first things I was like, what the fuck is that shark lobster thing? And then obviously, it turned out to be mixed with the crab. I think lobster would have been better simply because of how elongated it is.
[00:08:34] Speaker B: Yeah. But when they say there's this thing and it's mixed and it's a crab and a shark, and we call it the crab shark, I thought, oh, wow, that got me. I just thought of all the things you could have named it. You just literally named it the two things. It is.
[00:08:51] Speaker A: Yeah.
Called it the crusty shark or something because, you know, crustacean. Yeah, crustacean or something.
But, yeah, I did laugh when you saw the man shark first appear. And you could see, like, how badly it was made that the shark head, you could. You could see it was just paint where it was paint. You could see all the, like, paper shit underneath properly. It was. Ugh. Ugh.
[00:09:24] Speaker B: This is one of those films where I'd say, if you want to make a film, watch this. Because if you're worried if your film will turn out well enough that anybody will watch it or will have any chance out in the world, whatever idea you've got, if you watch this, you'll feel better about your idea.
[00:09:41] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:09:43] Speaker B: I made films with my friends when we were all 15 on video camera. And they've all got lost to time because obviously technology's changed backwards and forwards and I've lost the originals, but they were like 15 to 30 minutes long films and I wish I could find them because they're better than this.
[00:10:02] Speaker A: One of the things I did like is the doctors were talking while Neil or ever was name was, was in the bed. And they say something along the lines of he's pissed and shit himself.
[00:10:15] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:10:15] Speaker A: And then he goes back to Neil and he goes, he's right.
I can smell it now.
And I was like, what?
Because he'd supposedly been there for like two days, out cold and they've just let him piss and shit himself.
[00:10:35] Speaker B: He was like gaffer tape to the bed as well, wasn't he? It was like surgical tape. And my missus is like, you could break that in 2 seconds.
[00:10:42] Speaker A: Yeah, it didn't look like anything. Tidality put there just like crap.
[00:10:46] Speaker B: I mean, you could. Can't you afford like handcuffs from a joke shop or something? You know? Surely there's somewhat.
Not very expensive. That would be a little bit better.
[00:10:56] Speaker A: Clearly wasn't in the budget, man.
[00:10:58] Speaker B: No, clearly not.
I got a feeling more was spent on the toast run in the morning on some films than this film. I'd spent on everything in its budget.
[00:11:08] Speaker A: Yeah, I was. I was looking at my notes and one of the things I know, I've noticed, I've wrote down is paper shark, as I'm calling him when he kills the first guy.
I was. I genuinely thought it was funny because of how bad it was. It's like scrammed him down the face and it was just like as if someone had just put a little bit of tomato soul stone his face or something and then I can't even remember. I think it was like just the shark was eating him or something. Like, I didn't like the film. Did you like the film?
[00:11:48] Speaker B: No, I didn't like the film. It was.
I thought when we. It was picked, it's like an hour and ten minutes, so how bad can it be? Stick your head down, get out the other side. But it feels a lot longer.
[00:12:02] Speaker A: It did feel a lot longer than an hour. And.
[00:12:07] Speaker B: It works as a joke for 30 minutes, but.
[00:12:12] Speaker A: Nowhere near as good as cooking beer.
[00:12:15] Speaker B: I've not seen cocaine beer.
[00:12:17] Speaker A: You should. Cooking beer is genuinely enjoyable. It's silly, like, but same time, it's more enjoyable.
Definitely a lot more enjoyable than this shite.
[00:12:33] Speaker B: I think this possibly has hit a new life for the things I've watched on this podcast.
[00:12:38] Speaker A: Yeah, this is definitely the worst thing I've watched on for the podcast by far. It's probably not the worst thing I've ever watched, but maybe it is. I don't know.
Look at me like that.
Misses. Give me look. Say it's the worst thing I fucking watched.
But yeah, I genuinely. When. When they were doing those drugs, like, they really looked like they were in pain. It was supposed to be like really good, like ripping their balls off kind of thing, and it just looked like someone was fucking sticking them with a cattle prod or something when they were laying in bed. It was hilarious.
[00:13:24] Speaker B: I did like, oh, my tummy hurt you still.
[00:13:31] Speaker A: I like the bit where they're on the island right near the end. They can't leave the little island because crab shark is trying to kill them.
Which crab shark could have just come on land and killed them because he's a crab shark?
There's a point where a woman is being held hostage, they break in and free her. And what one, there's several things I liked about that part, is one, every chance she got, she said, shoot the guy who had a held hostage. Like, you know, any reason at all, shoot him. It's like really, like she really, really wanted him to be shot.
And the other thing was, is they were on the phone, the police, right? And he's like, we're not an island. I don't know what island they're on. And it's just a house on this one island. On this island, there's just one house. And they say something like, you know, we don't know what island we're on. You'll have to find it. I mean, misses, Turon said, well, calm the person who's living in the house. Tell them which island they're on.
[00:14:43] Speaker B: Never thought about that.
[00:14:47] Speaker A: Considering she's living there.
[00:14:48] Speaker B: Quite true, innit? If you're living on that island, you'd have to know. And she's there and can hear the conversation and never pipes up and like, goes, oh, it's such and such island.
[00:14:57] Speaker A: Oh, and don't come by water, come by air. There's something in the water. Some kind of monster.
And then she's like, you've seen the monster. I thought I was going crazy. And then she opens the front door, throwing all her pills away.
[00:15:10] Speaker B: Oh, yeah, I love that. That was probably one of the best things she's throwing, like, all the anti semites psychotic medication out the door.
[00:15:18] Speaker A: There's a funny moment in this film, but 98% of it is absolute trash. The acting is awful. Every most. This is awful. This is awful. There's some funny things about it, but I think that's more you're laughing at the film than with the film.
[00:15:40] Speaker B: Can you think of any examples of films that are as stupid as this but are actually more entertaining all the way through?
[00:15:52] Speaker A: Zombie vuz? Nah. Zombie versus much better, much better film than this. But that's got this same kind of b movie, schlocky kind of daftness, but a mask. Got a low budget as well. Better budget than this, obviously, but it's a hell of a lot better. I just wish they made the sequel zombies, because obviously the bees at the end, uh, go on the zombievers and then go into a beehive. Clearly. It should have been zombies.
[00:16:21] Speaker B: Yeah, that was a good film. I was gonna go for the return of the killer tomatoes. If you've never seen that, that is absolute stupid. Tomatoes rolling at people, people screaming.
[00:16:35] Speaker A: I remember it from when I was younger, but I don't remember it in depth. I remember at the same time there was also a cartoon.
[00:16:45] Speaker B: Yes, there was.
[00:16:46] Speaker A: But I don't remember that very well either. But what I liked it. I liked, what I liked about the eighties and nineties is you'd have, I know, Terminator or alien and they're like eighteen s and stuff. And then you'd have a kids show and toys.
[00:17:05] Speaker B: It's bizarre. Robocop as well, that we've covered. There's Robocop cartoon for kids, huh?
[00:17:12] Speaker A: And a Robocop tv show, live action.
[00:17:16] Speaker B: How does that work? How do you sell Robocop to children?
[00:17:21] Speaker A: Yeah, kids like shooting people.
[00:17:23] Speaker B: Oh, yeah.
[00:17:27] Speaker A: That was fun, actually.
But I don't remember the cartoon for that either, to be honest.
[00:17:36] Speaker B: I briefly do, but no, I could.
[00:17:40] Speaker A: Use a cartoon skin shark.
No, I probably would have been better if it was an animated film with the same budget because they probably could have done more interesting stuff than, oh no, the sharks killed me and it's literally done a scratch down my face and it looks awful. Or oh no, the sharks killing me behind a curtain and you can't see anything at all.
It's that kind of thing when it was.
But yeah, you were saying it was made in five or six days and honestly, you'll fucking tell.
[00:18:23] Speaker B: Yeah, definitely misses.
[00:18:26] Speaker A: Said she's surprised it wasn't made in one.
That's brilliant.
Yeah.
I don't think there was much to like about this film. There was a couple of funny lines, but generally speaking it was. It was. It was shit.
[00:18:46] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:18:48] Speaker A: When I was getting the information of like the year it was made, the director and I had to put on my.
On the overlay for the YouTube video, so to speak. The podcast on YouTube, I notice it is like a 1.8 star rating on Internet movie database, or ten. So it is not exactly classed as a good film, even by a lot of people then by a lot of people they think is shit.
[00:19:16] Speaker B: Well, it's .3 more than cocaine, Cougar.
[00:19:18] Speaker A: At least we'll have to watch out at some point. We'll have to watch all the cocaine films.
[00:19:23] Speaker B: I'm assuming that's made by the same people, because it comes up in a list of films on the same lines, which also includes Noah's shark.
[00:19:32] Speaker A: Noah's shark. I did start watching Noah's shark, and I think we knocked it off. It was worse than this from the beginning, if I remember correctly, right. Noah's shark starts off with a guy telling another guy the story of Noah's shark. And it was. Noah was making his boat, the ark, for all the animals and his family to go on. Then a shark appeared, which was actually the devil, convinced Noah's son to go on to the ark, and then etna was son.
And that's as far as I can remember. I think Noah kicked him off. The shark off. So maybe we'll have to watch. Noah's shark, I think, is one we should watch for the. For the podcast for shits and giggles.
[00:20:24] Speaker B: Oh, dear.
[00:20:26] Speaker A: I think. I think some of the same actors are in it from this film.
You know, he's gonna have good acting.
[00:20:34] Speaker B: Oh, because there's such quality actors.
[00:20:39] Speaker A: Is there any takeaways from this film that you think of? Anything you liked, anything you disliked other than all of it? You know.
[00:20:50] Speaker B: It just. It made me appreciate a lot of older films a lot more. It made me appreciate the old classic fly with the paper mache had. And it made me appreciate the old Ray Harryhausen work and stuff. Just because we've got so much more now and we can still be worse than back then.
[00:21:11] Speaker A: The thing is, is that when I saw the shark, the crab shark, I thought it was crap. I was like, at least it's nice to see a film using practical effects again.
But Mister said to me, just looks like a fucking knobbly turd swimming through the.
Really?
I'm trying to eat some chocolate here. And you talk about dirt.
[00:21:34] Speaker B: It's just how much it doesn't fit in, innit?
[00:21:37] Speaker A: Yeah. Doesn't make sense.
[00:21:39] Speaker B: Even when she shows the picture of it on her phone. And I'm like, you can do all sorts on flat pictures to make things bleed together. The picture on the phone still looks like a shark stuck on the front of the picture that's there.
[00:21:56] Speaker A: Yeah. It's literally like just a screen grab from the actual film instead of something edited separately on the phone. Make it look a bit better.
[00:22:06] Speaker B: And I bet, you know, there's probably nerds out there that are into films and of graphic skills that you could have got to have knocked you that up for free just to have the name and the credits or something, you know, it's.
[00:22:17] Speaker A: Yeah, but I guess if you put your name in the credits you'd probably regret it after seeing the film. Well, possibly like, why did I put my name on this shit? Now I'll never get a job again.
To be honest, there's not much else I can really say about this film.
I don't know if you've got anything else to say but I think it's about time we wrapped up because cocaine shark is genuinely bad. It's like I said, it has a couple of funny moments but this so few of them that I honestly would never recommend anyone to watch this film.
[00:22:57] Speaker B: No, same here.
[00:22:59] Speaker A: Just a waste of time and space.
[00:23:02] Speaker B: Although if anyone is making a crap horror film I'll have my name in the credits.
I'm sure I could provide something to you.
[00:23:09] Speaker A: Yeah, I mean, I'll do like a voiceover.
Because the Lord of this film was voiceover. Like, things are happening. They were just talking over.
There was a lot of like, flashing back. Flashing. Well, there was the present time, then the flashing back and then there was a different characters having flashbacks. And it's like, woah, stupid. Oh, well, that's gonna be us, then. Thank you for taking part, Kurt. It's been a pleasure.
[00:23:40] Speaker B: Oh, you're more than welcome. It's pleasure to be on.
[00:23:42] Speaker A: Yes. I don't believe you. After the horrible things you said about this film.
Bye bye, everyone. See you again soon.
[00:24:02] Speaker C: He's awake. So how about getting someone in here to take care of him? A nurse or something. He's pissed and shit in the bed. Stinks in there.
[00:24:12] Speaker B: He was right now I could smell it.
